Drive Thru 2007 - REVIEW

Like most of my friends and colleagues, I'm not a horror movie snob. I enjoy the occasional fun film. You know, the typical B-movie full of cheesy one liners and bad jokes. Yes, I thoroughly enjoy films like Sleepaway Camp and the original Piranha but that's because they have that something special. I can't tell you what it is I just know they have it. This one, however, is one of those films I look at and say "How does someone get funding for this CRAP!?" I know so many great writers that have stacks and stacks of scripts sitting on a desk with a stack of denials just as high next to it. I'll be sure and tell them to dumb it way down before submitting it again. I guess it's all about perception and opinion. No doubt not everyone will agree with me all the time. I'm sure there are people out there that actually bought this film, God forbid, because they liked it so much. Rest assured, this will NOT be one you'll find on the shelf at my house.

High schooler Mackenzie Carpenter (Leighton Meester) thinks her biggest problem is dying of boredom in the bucolic wasteland of Orange County... until her classmates start disappearing and Horny The Clown (Van De La Plante), the mascot for local burger favorite HELLA-BURGER, begins madly stalking her. It isn't until Mac discovers her unbelievable connection to Horny and his victims that she realizes, if she's going to live to see 18, she must come face-to-face with the... killer clown in the bloodiest week Blanca Carne, California, has ever known.

Meester gave her same old wooden performance. I swear that girl only has two expressions... pouty and grouchy. I didn't even know who Nicholas D'Agosto was and honestly, after this I still won't. Melora Hardin seemed to put up some kind of effort at least. In a subtle twist of irony, Morgan Spurlock, producer of the documentary Super Size Me made an appearance. No doubt an inside joke referencing how fast food can kill you. I had a hard time believing even bad actors could say all the crappy dialogue with a straight face. The only shining star in the bunch was Lola Glaudini of Criminal Minds fame. According to Criminal Minds spokesperson, Glaudini quit the show saying she didn't like living in LA. Had she actually left, she might not have ended up in such a shitty movie. Hmm, wonder where she is now? Let's have a look....... ahh, a new TV show, Persons Unknown, with that one guy... yeah, he's cute. SHIT... I'm in the middle of a review. Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, the rest of the cast wasn't memorable in any way and they all died so who cares. (kidding)

Watching this, I kinda felt like I was stuck in Halloween III: Season of the Witch I didn't really wanna watch it but there was this unstoppable force that made me and by the half way point I totally expected brain goo to come seeping out of my eyes. The plot was lame, the script was lamer (is that a word). I'm not sure what Brendan Cowles and Shane Kuhn were thinking when they came up with concept. While there was a good bit of gore and a few somewhat clever kills, there wasn't enough to make up for the abundance of ridiculous things going on. First you have a supernatural killer clown, who I'll admit was a bit on the creepy side, then there's the dried up back story that's way over used. I don't even wanna mention the useless, dimwitted, overweight cop that is constantly chowing on something while there are dead bodies laying at his feet. There are so many TV, movie, music and political references that I lost count. Oh and did I mention that the supernatural killer clown communicates through Ouija Boards, Magic 8 Balls, Etch a Sketches and gumball machines? Yeah...... There are also some major directing or editing errors. Meester's hair is dark brown with burgundy stripes in one shot and in the next shot it's blond. How does that get by? So... so much wrong with this film. And of course the end leaves an opening for a sequel which I've just learned is in production... God help us all. The fact that I sat through this entire shit fest is a testament to my mood and seriously makes me question my judgement. As a matter of fact, the best part of the whole thing was the end where they showed the bloopers. That was more entertaining than the film itself.

I don't normally add taglines and quotes in my reviews but I'm gonna make an exception for this one. The tagline is: At Hella Burger, It Won't Be The Food That Kills You... But You'll Wish It Did. If that's what it takes to unwatch this one, then I'm game. If nothing else, this one could win an award for the dumbest dialogue in a film with this quote: "What's this all got to do with Horny the Clown? I grew up with that lovable son of a bitch. It's kinda like finding out Captain Kangaroo has pieces of Mr. Green Jeans in his freezer." Movie gold my friends... movie gold.