Piranha 3D 2010 - REVIEW

As a child sitting as close to the TV as possible watching man eating fish devour everyone in sight, I was in awe of the carnage and mayhem before me. Piranha (1978) proved that you could poke fun at an epic film i.e. Jaws and still end up with campy greatness. As I said in my review of the original film, I was afraid for years to go in the lake for fear I'd become fish food. With Alexandre Aja pulling the strings on the remake, I was hoping for the same outcome. Unfortunately, what I got was a hot mess of T&A, bad scripting, shitty story lines and over acting. I'll give it to Aja, he came through on the death and destruction but even being the Gore Whore that I am, it wasn't enough for me to give the film more than a half nod.

A massive underwater quake unleashes thousands of prehistoric piranha. The timing is perfect as it just happens to be Spring Break and hundreds of thousands of drunk, horny college kids have descended upon the town of Victoria Lake, AZ. Seismologist Novak (Adam Scott) and his team are brought in to surmise the damage. Escorted by Sheriff Forester (Elisabeth Shue) they venture out to the quake area. Two of the team go in and only one comes back (well sort of). The conundrum now is how to get everyone out of the water and off the lake in one piece. It doesn't help that Sheriff Forester's son Jake (Steven R. McQueen) has gone rogue leaving his siblings to fend for themselves, on the lake of course. Throw in Eli Roth and a wet T-shirt contest and even gunshots can't get the sand rats out of the lake.

After the opening sequence with a drunk Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfuss) in his denim shirt and black knit hat singing 'Show Me the Way to go Home' (real horror fans will get that one) I thought "Oh yeah, this movie is gonna ROCK!". Turns out other than gore, full frontal nudity of Danni (Kelly Brook) and a floating penis, that was the high point of the film. Shue and Scott did a decent job with the shit script they were given. Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd had extremely small cameos and ass kicker Ving Rhames wasn't given nearly enough to do. I found Forester to be dull in his character and acting and Jerry O'Connell was so over the top in his portrayal of wild, wild, wild Derrick Jones that I was glad the piranha tested out the how many licks question on his, uh, spirit.

While the film was laden with piranha attacks, people being run over by boats, electrocutions and even a mishap with a cable, OUCH, there was pretty much nothing to the script. The dialogue was so bland and riddled with predictable one liners. It almost seemed like Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg were just trying to fill time in between piranha attacks. As remakes go, it stayed pretty true to the original but then again, the story line can pretty much only go one way. As it were, I'm surprised they didn't give the piranha legs to walk on land with.

The 3D was just awful, especially in the opening sequence. I had to take my glasses off several times to avoid getting cataracts or some shit and spent the rest of the day with a massive headache. On the plus side, the CGI was very good and the piranha attacks were extremely violent. The carnage left behind looked awesomely realistic... not that I've seen a half eaten corpse IRL but I can imagine. There's no doubt, gore fans will dig it. It's not a terrible movie, I've seen worse, but if you're looking for storyline, I'd suggest something different. If all you want is tits, ass and blood, this is definitely the film for you.